08.26.2015: PartyBus Volume 1: The Maiden Voyage

Go see my moms' friends perform. I'll just be having my own party here at home.

Zoloft

I went off my medicine for about a month, and can now honestly say it works. I'm'a get it refilled tomorrow and stick with it!

Keep praying. Struggles are daily, but so are victories.

Seasons/Change

(Originally written in 2007. Revised tonight. It still sucks.)

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Missing a place I never belonged
has taken a toll on my heart.
I'd list the reasons, recall memories,
but don't know where to start.

As seasons pass, I find me
hidden in the leaves and dirt.
Summer sun makes my skin stronger
but cannot block out this hurt.

True friends are lost easily,
quickly that disappear.
Fewer lives are attached to mine
with the passing of each year.

I held a place in your heart,
but all beginnings must end:
the passing of an era,
the slow death of a trend.

You probably won't read this,
but I'll try not to mind.
We're not the kids we were before;
adult paths tend to wind.

The texts go unanswered;
the calls are ignored.
You say we're not compatible
as friends any more.

I'll love you like a sister
until the day I die.
All things are for the best.
Goodbye, lady. Goodbye.

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Keep praying.

I Think About It A Lot

As I contemplate starting a family of my own, I cannot help but to think about him:
my little man,
Big Bud's first,
our forever angel.

I think about how he would have been an amazing big brother, just like his daddy,
how his heart would be full of endless love, just like his mommy,
and how one smile from his sweet lips could warm his Mamaw's heart.

I think about you, Connor James, nearly every day that I wake with breath in my lungs, something you never got to experience.

I think about you playing with other babies in heaven, all taken by a disease that could have easily been stopped.

I think about you, how perfect you seemed in my arms.

I think about you and cry. I can't help it. Time hasn't healed much.

I wish I could teach you how to play baseball,
to watch your mama help you learn how fun it is to swim,
to hear you giggle when your daddy "gets you."

There are a million things we'll never do, but I remain jealous that you get to grow up with Jesus, yet sad that I didn't get to watch you grow.

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Keep praying.

"Get the Girl Back" - Hanson

Watch "Hanson - "Get The Girl Back" - OFFICIAL" on YouTube

Cafe Florie Savannah Facebook Win

Cafe Florie on Barnard in Savannah posted on Fb around 5 that the next person to come in got a free Johnnie, Jr. and I won! The fries were delicious. I cannot wait to come back!

Crossroads

I made a HUGE decision tonight. As of now, please just pray it's the right one.

Keep praying.

Flickering Lights

Watch "Flickering Lights Reprise" on YouTube

Keep praying.

My Dad Told Me to Kill Myself

So, I tried it. I obviously (and thankfully) failed, but it forced me to have to spend the weekend in Georgia Regional's mental hospital. What an eye opener! I met a lot of women just like me...and a lot of women much crazier than me. But I left with a sense of who I am, who I can be, and I think that I might have made some lives a little better. Please never cease praying for me. Bipolar disorder is a complicated monster, and it may take a while to figure out now to balance my unstable brain. Special thanks to Helen, Mama, Aunt Marilyn, and Aunt Donnie, whose visits and phone calls kept me (mostly) sane. I love each and every person who is reading this!

So, I had a nervous breakdown

And I'm not ashamed to say it. I take on a lot. I am strong enough to take on a lot. But I am fragile. I break. And this weekend, I shattered. I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Intermittent Explosive Disorder. You can call me crazy and treat me different if it makes you feel better, but I have a disease; it doesn't have me. I have come to realize that none of this is my fault. Or your fault. Or hers or his. I have a sick, unstable brain. I was born this way. But it will no longer control me, defeat me, and make me feel stupid.

I just need y'all to love me through it.

Keep praying.

Beautiful Mess

Watch "Diamond Rio - Beautiful Mess (lyrics)" on YouTube

I'm a Disappointment

And nothing more.

Keep praying. I need it. I feel like a failure lately, though amazing things abound.

What a Weekend

Whoa.

February 21
I got home after dropping Helen off at work to find that my landlord was evicting me for lies he made up. My lawyer is really looking forward to taking on the case.

February 22
9 am: D-I-V-O-R-C-E (you can keep your ring, and I'll keep my daddy's name.)
11 am: Job interview at Springhill Suites (she liked me!)
12 pm: Interview at Nourish (if I get hired on, I will DIE!!!)
1 pm: Lunch at The Tea Room!
2 pm: Have a beautiful phone convo with Big Daddy and feel better about everything
3 pm: Stumble upon WSAV whilst walking the dogs in Wright Square; get offered a job (WHAT?!).
5 pm: Hit up The Jinx for the Heavy Metal art show (Ford rocked it)
7:30 pm: Eat WAY TOO MUCH food at The Lady & Sons; consider vomiting but decide against it
9:30 pm: Drive by HangFire to see if the queer dance is worth going to; decide against that as well
10 pm: Impromptu shower photo shoot for crazbeau productions; contemplate getting into modeling
11:30 pm: Dead in bed (g'night world)

February 23
10-11 am: Wander River Street giving out flyers for Savannah Stage Co's Playwright Series
11:30 am: Stop by WSAV to see that no one is in studio
12-2 pm: Have an amazing conversation with an old friend
2:15ish pm: Realize I have locked the keys in the car and the spare key has been lost
2:30 pm: Start walking to The Tea Room in the sunshine
2:40 pm: Get "holla atcha"-ed by a black fellow
2:52 pm: Land a website building job with a sweet shop owner (Judy would love her)
3:00 pm: Almost buy a new computer...then realize I should save the money for rent
3:15 pm: Arrive at The Tea Room soaking wet, as the rain began to pour two blocks ago
3:30 pm: EAT. A LOT.
4:20 pm: Meet the tow truck guy to unlock the car
5:15 pm: Pick up Helen from work
5:45 pm: Car breaks down (yes, really)
6:10 pm: Wes shows up to drive me back into town
6:40 pm: Tow truck guy finally shows up and is rude; Helen wants to punch him
7:10 pm: Places for Beautiful Boy (Playwright Series!)
7:25 pm: Car arrives at Goodyear too late to be looked at; see you Monday :/
7:55 pm: Beautiful Boy goes off without a hitch; I'm officially a stage manager
8:30 pm: Bath. Foreverrrrr.
9:45 pm: Early to bed...can't sleep...alas

February 24
5:36 am: Wake up to the sound of gagging, etc.: Helen has the flu
6:53 am: Contemplate going to get breakfast...but the bed is warm, and I think I'll stay

Keep praying. God is doing marvelous things. It gets better and better and better, and I continue to be grateful.

Splashie

Watch "Splashie - Episode 1" on YouTube

To Whom It May Concern

Orly, Gil, Paige, and All Others It May Concern,

This letter is to document my resignation from Savannah Gift, Inc. in two weeks time.  While I have thoroughly enjoyed working for this company as well as Silver Waves, Inc. under Ronen, I have accepted a full-time position that would give me the stability necessary to continue the lifestyle I currently lead. My last day of work will be March 2, 2013 (or until you find a replacement; whichever comes first.) Thank you for the opportunity and best of luck in all of your endeavors!

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I turned in this letter on Saturday to my manager Paige, who in turn called me this evening to tell me I was being taken off the schedule for this week. So much for professionalism.

Keep praying.

Dance. Sing. Rise!

Watch "One Billion Rising Savannah: Dancing The Night Away" on YouTube

She Will Be Loved

Watch "One Billion Rising Savannah: She Will Be Loved" on YouTube

One Billion Rising Savannah: Shout, "No!"

Keep praying.

This is RIDICULOUS

Boy Scouts: Convicted criminals? Possibly. Gays? No way. - Human Rights Campaign

Beautiful Boy

Event

Come see my Stage Manager premiere!

Keep praying.