Seasons/Change

(Originally written in 2007. Revised tonight. It still sucks.)

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Missing a place I never belonged
has taken a toll on my heart.
I'd list the reasons, recall memories,
but don't know where to start.

As seasons pass, I find me
hidden in the leaves and dirt.
Summer sun makes my skin stronger
but cannot block out this hurt.

True friends are lost easily,
quickly that disappear.
Fewer lives are attached to mine
with the passing of each year.

I held a place in your heart,
but all beginnings must end:
the passing of an era,
the slow death of a trend.

You probably won't read this,
but I'll try not to mind.
We're not the kids we were before;
adult paths tend to wind.

The texts go unanswered;
the calls are ignored.
You say we're not compatible
as friends any more.

I'll love you like a sister
until the day I die.
All things are for the best.
Goodbye, lady. Goodbye.

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Keep praying.

I Think About It A Lot

As I contemplate starting a family of my own, I cannot help but to think about him:
my little man,
Big Bud's first,
our forever angel.

I think about how he would have been an amazing big brother, just like his daddy,
how his heart would be full of endless love, just like his mommy,
and how one smile from his sweet lips could warm his Mamaw's heart.

I think about you, Connor James, nearly every day that I wake with breath in my lungs, something you never got to experience.

I think about you playing with other babies in heaven, all taken by a disease that could have easily been stopped.

I think about you, how perfect you seemed in my arms.

I think about you and cry. I can't help it. Time hasn't healed much.

I wish I could teach you how to play baseball,
to watch your mama help you learn how fun it is to swim,
to hear you giggle when your daddy "gets you."

There are a million things we'll never do, but I remain jealous that you get to grow up with Jesus, yet sad that I didn't get to watch you grow.

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Keep praying.