Tuesday, June 18, 2013


I went off my medicine for about a month, and can now honestly say it works. I'm'a get it refilled tomorrow and stick with it!

Keep praying. Struggles are daily, but so are victories.

Thursday, May 30, 2013


(Originally written in 2007. Revised tonight. It still sucks.)


Missing a place I never belonged
has taken a toll on my heart.
I'd list the reasons, recall memories,
but don't know where to start.

As seasons pass, I find me
hidden in the leaves and dirt.
Summer sun makes my skin stronger
but cannot block out this hurt.

True friends are lost easily,
quickly that disappear.
Fewer lives are attached to mine
with the passing of each year.

I held a place in your heart,
but all beginnings must end:
the passing of an era,
the slow death of a trend.

You probably won't read this,
but I'll try not to mind.
We're not the kids we were before;
adult paths tend to wind.

The texts go unanswered;
the calls are ignored.
You say we're not compatible
as friends any more.

I'll love you like a sister
until the day I die.
All things are for the best.
Goodbye, lady. Goodbye.


Keep praying.

Monday, May 27, 2013

I Think About It A Lot

As I contemplate starting a family of my own, I cannot help but to think about him:
my little man,
Big Bud's first,
our forever angel.

I think about how he would have been an amazing big brother, just like his daddy,
how his heart would be full of endless love, just like his mommy,
and how one smile from his sweet lips could warm his Mamaw's heart.

I think about you, Connor James, nearly every day that I wake with breath in my lungs, something you never got to experience.

I think about you playing with other babies in heaven, all taken by a disease that could have easily been stopped.

I think about you, how perfect you seemed in my arms.

I think about you and cry. I can't help it. Time hasn't healed much.

I wish I could teach you how to play baseball,
to watch your mama help you learn how fun it is to swim,
to hear you giggle when your daddy "gets you."

There are a million things we'll never do, but I remain jealous that you get to grow up with Jesus, yet sad that I didn't get to watch you grow.


Keep praying.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Cafe Florie Savannah Facebook Win

Cafe Florie on Barnard in Savannah posted on Fb around 5 that the next person to come in got a free Johnnie, Jr. and I won! The fries were delicious. I cannot wait to come back!

Tuesday, March 19, 2013


I made a HUGE decision tonight. As of now, please just pray it's the right one.

Keep praying.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

My Dad Told Me to Kill Myself

So, I tried it. I obviously (and thankfully) failed, but it forced me to have to spend the weekend in Georgia Regional's mental hospital. What an eye opener! I met a lot of women just like me...and a lot of women much crazier than me. But I left with a sense of who I am, who I can be, and I think that I might have made some lives a little better. Please never cease praying for me. Bipolar disorder is a complicated monster, and it may take a while to figure out now to balance my unstable brain. Special thanks to Helen, Mama, Aunt Marilyn, and Aunt Donnie, whose visits and phone calls kept me (mostly) sane. I love each and every person who is reading this!

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

So, I had a nervous breakdown

And I'm not ashamed to say it. I take on a lot. I am strong enough to take on a lot. But I am fragile. I break. And this weekend, I shattered. I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Intermittent Explosive Disorder. You can call me crazy and treat me different if it makes you feel better, but I have a disease; it doesn't have me. I have come to realize that none of this is my fault. Or your fault. Or hers or his. I have a sick, unstable brain. I was born this way. But it will no longer control me, defeat me, and make me feel stupid.

I just need y'all to love me through it.

Keep praying.

Beautiful Mess

Watch "Diamond Rio - Beautiful Mess (lyrics)" on YouTube

Saturday, March 2, 2013

I'm a Disappointment

And nothing more.

Keep praying. I need it. I feel like a failure lately, though amazing things abound.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

What a Weekend


February 21
I got home after dropping Helen off at work to find that my landlord was evicting me for lies he made up. My lawyer is really looking forward to taking on the case.

February 22
9 am: D-I-V-O-R-C-E (you can keep your ring, and I'll keep my daddy's name.)
11 am: Job interview at Springhill Suites (she liked me!)
12 pm: Interview at Nourish (if I get hired on, I will DIE!!!)
1 pm: Lunch at The Tea Room!
2 pm: Have a beautiful phone convo with Big Daddy and feel better about everything
3 pm: Stumble upon WSAV whilst walking the dogs in Wright Square; get offered a job (WHAT?!).
5 pm: Hit up The Jinx for the Heavy Metal art show (Ford rocked it)
7:30 pm: Eat WAY TOO MUCH food at The Lady & Sons; consider vomiting but decide against it
9:30 pm: Drive by HangFire to see if the queer dance is worth going to; decide against that as well
10 pm: Impromptu shower photo shoot for crazbeau productions; contemplate getting into modeling
11:30 pm: Dead in bed (g'night world)

February 23
10-11 am: Wander River Street giving out flyers for Savannah Stage Co's Playwright Series
11:30 am: Stop by WSAV to see that no one is in studio
12-2 pm: Have an amazing conversation with an old friend
2:15ish pm: Realize I have locked the keys in the car and the spare key has been lost
2:30 pm: Start walking to The Tea Room in the sunshine
2:40 pm: Get "holla atcha"-ed by a black fellow
2:52 pm: Land a website building job with a sweet shop owner (Judy would love her)
3:00 pm: Almost buy a new computer...then realize I should save the money for rent
3:15 pm: Arrive at The Tea Room soaking wet, as the rain began to pour two blocks ago
3:30 pm: EAT. A LOT.
4:20 pm: Meet the tow truck guy to unlock the car
5:15 pm: Pick up Helen from work
5:45 pm: Car breaks down (yes, really)
6:10 pm: Wes shows up to drive me back into town
6:40 pm: Tow truck guy finally shows up and is rude; Helen wants to punch him
7:10 pm: Places for Beautiful Boy (Playwright Series!)
7:25 pm: Car arrives at Goodyear too late to be looked at; see you Monday :/
7:55 pm: Beautiful Boy goes off without a hitch; I'm officially a stage manager
8:30 pm: Bath. Foreverrrrr.
9:45 pm: Early to bed...can't sleep...alas

February 24
5:36 am: Wake up to the sound of gagging, etc.: Helen has the flu
6:53 am: Contemplate going to get breakfast...but the bed is warm, and I think I'll stay

Keep praying. God is doing marvelous things. It gets better and better and better, and I continue to be grateful.

Monday, February 18, 2013

To Whom It May Concern

Orly, Gil, Paige, and All Others It May Concern,

This letter is to document my resignation from Savannah Gift, Inc. in two weeks time.  While I have thoroughly enjoyed working for this company as well as Silver Waves, Inc. under Ronen, I have accepted a full-time position that would give me the stability necessary to continue the lifestyle I currently lead. My last day of work will be March 2, 2013 (or until you find a replacement; whichever comes first.) Thank you for the opportunity and best of luck in all of your endeavors!


I turned in this letter on Saturday to my manager Paige, who in turn called me this evening to tell me I was being taken off the schedule for this week. So much for professionalism.

Keep praying.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Beautiful Boy


Come see my Stage Manager premiere!

Keep praying.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

This Made Me Pee...In My Pants...

Hi Cami,

I am reaching out to discuss a customized program for marketers on Facebook called Start to Success.

Via our Start to Success program, we will provide dedicated support and strategic guidance to help you develop and manage your marketing strategy on Facebook.

I would love to set up a call to discuss how we can help you achieve your marketing goals.

Please let me know a day and time that you would be available to chat or if there is any other member of your team who would be the appropriate contact for an introduction.

Thanks so much and I look forward to connecting soon.

Best regards,


Jerry Wands | Sales Representative 


Keep praying (IT'S WORKING!).

Friday, February 8, 2013

Monday, January 28, 2013

Friday, January 25, 2013

People Suck

I am not an abomination. God loves me just as much as he loves any other sinner.
I am not a stupid dyke. You're an ignorant asshole.
I am not disgusting. I am insanely in love with a woman, not an animal or inanimate object.
I am not interested in anything you hypocrites have to say.
I am over it.


Keep praying.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

I'm in Love

It's nice.

Keep praying.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Conservative Artist Continues to Answer Calls for Culture Change

Multi-­-faceted recording artist Mark Scudder believes in individualism, the idea espoused by the late Andrew Breitbart that “culture is upstream of politics,” and quality of his product. So when the very
figures in conservative media who call for change in the culture ignored Mark’s offers to help, he took it straight to their followers. His album The Solution is the Problem, a full length rock album released in September 2012, was recorded and produced entirely while broadcasting live on his website, to fans from his home studio. While not exposed to a wider audience by popular conservative political pundits, every review Solution did receive was unequivocally positive.

Perfectly content to work hard for what he believes, it was the loss of the Presidential election in November that caused Mark to become more vocal about the failures of the conservative new media movement. "We forget that not everyone is politically aware or astute,” Mark says from his home studio in upstate New York, "and many of their sensibilities have been moved subtly left over time by the things they see on TV, or hear on their iPods. The pundits on our side aren’t looking past their own financial success from preaching to the choir.” Unable to reach the popular conservative voices, Mark is channeling his disappointment into a new album called #TheAntisocialNetwork. A play on the concept of the Twitter “hashtag,”

#TheAntisocialNetwork will explore the consequences of relying on populism, with slightly heavier musical influences than Solution. And just like Solution,Mark is writing and recording it in front of anyone brave enough to show up. “I don’t prefer to work alone, but there’s no one up here to work with,” Mark says. “The few conservatives I know here who are artistically gifted are too busy making ends meet to take on somebody else’s project. Having that instant feedback, even if it’s just to laugh about some epically-­-wrong note or to just know there are other people out there who get it, makes the process so much more enjoyable.” Writing and recording sessions for #TheAntisocialNetwork are always taking place. The live sessions are always free and viewers can interact with Mark as he creates his work. These events are announced beforehand on the front page of www.markscudder.com, and on Facebook and Twitter. “I’d like people to take a good look at what has and hasn’t worked in our communities,” Mark says, “and consider not making the same mistakes again. We’ve got everything to lose.”


Keep praying.

Monday, January 7, 2013


I filed for divorce.

I ate crispy fried chicken from KFC.

I found a beautiful apartment.

I met the perfect new mom for Lady Vivian.

I ate ziti at Olive Garden with three of my favorite people.

I watched Look Who's Talking.

Today was an amazing day. And 2013 will be an amazing year.

Keep praying.